It’s the holiday season. I’m 3 days past my son’s wedding and still processing those emotions. And I am fighting off my annual holiday cold, which, in the past few years, has decided to morph into bronchitis. I?m all dressed up and sitting in one of my favorite spots in NYC, at a holiday party, and just wanting to relax and not think.

The emcee gets up on the stage. “So, we’re going to go around the room and share our one word for 2020. What is your goal for the New Year??”

I turn to the person near me and say, “Isn’t this a party? I didn’t think we had to THINK.”

Sometimes it’s better not to think.

When it was my time, the only thing that popped in my head was “Clarity”. All around me there were words bantered about like “Take Charge”, “Create Abundance” and “Be Great”. And all I could say was “Clarity”. If I had put an ounce of effort into thinking of a good answer, I could have come up with something witty and motivational. However, I couldn’t think. Instead, I felt the answer, and I believe it was purely honest.

I have so many questions, so many unknowns in my life. What to write about, what to speak about, who do I want to speak to, how much do I want to work? And then there’s the myriad of personal situations: How often am I going to visit my kids and granddaughter, will I get to Paris this year, how do I deal with the chronic illnesses of loved ones?  Am I truly content where I am or am I just fooling myself?

Clarity.

I like to start out the new year setting intentions. I am not sure if I can do that this year, or if I want to. I have shifted into living in the moment and setting intentions seems frivolous. I prefer to be open and aware and to check in with how something feels. I want to be present for those who need me and to be able to serve from a place of authenticity, not obligation. I want to live in the “because I want to”, not “because I should”. 

When I was in 5th grade I got my first pair of glasses. I don’t remember ever complaining that I couldn’t see, but I must have mentioned it or I would never have gotten to that point. What I do remember, however, is saying, when I put those fashionable cat-shaped tortoise-shelled frames on, “Oh, the colors are so bright!” I saw things differently. I didn’t know what I was missing until then.

And that is where I am at this stage in my life. I have experienced a lot – the highs and the lows. I have been blessed with good health, good family and good friends. I know what I have, but I don’t know what I don’t know. And if I found the clarity – if I could see clearly – just imagine what possibilities may exist that at this point I can’t begin to imagine.

May you find your own path to clarity in the coming year.